Although I am a medical doctor, I hate visiting the sick in the hospital and staying long. I just worry that I am burdening the patient with my stay and would rather do a quick check-in and –out. I am also uncomfortable staying long at people’s houses for a visit. It feels like extending my handshake to the elbow. As a woman, I am aware of the hoops women jump through to make their guests comfortable at their own expense and it seems unfair to take full advantage of that.

We should not visit people unannounced unless we are extremely familiar with them. There is really no excuse why anyone will suddenly drop by in this era of cell-phones, free emails, text messages and instant messaging. This will give your host time to prepare and possibly purchase or cook/bake what to host you with. Not all homes are fully-stocked 24/7.

As much as is possible, a non-mahram male should not spend the night in the house of a couple. It inconveniences the woman who has to observe her hijab in your presence. Her house is her sanctuary, somewhere she can let her hair down and dress down. You ruin this tranquillity for her particularly when you prolong your stay; her only reprieve limited to her bedroom. Between the inconveniences of a tropical temperature and special times like breastfeeding, her hospitality can quickly turn to hostility.

Fellow women who travel with their toddlers need to be mindful of them. We should not leave them to run amok, destroy appliances, break dishes, defecate or urinate indiscriminately, and leave food crumbs in their trail. Pick up after your children.

We should also endeavour not to make a nuisance of ourselves by staying out late, disrupting the peace in the house by playing loud music or having noisy friends over. Destroying property in their houses is also a big no-no.

Narrated Abu Shuraih Al-Ka’bi quoted Allah’s Messenger (SAW) as saying: Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, should serve his guest generously. The guest’s reward is to provide him with a superior type of food for a night and a day and a guest is to be entertained with food for three days, and whatever is offered beyond that is regarded as charity. And it is not lawful for a guest to stay with the host for such a long period so as to put him in a critical position. – Sahih Bukhari 6135

Also try to involve yourself in helping around the house and following the house rules. Take your dish to the kitchen and wash it, preferably. Clean up after yourself and make your bed. Assist by taking the children off their parents’ hands by playing with them or helping with their homework.

Do not pry into their affairs particularly if they are a couple and unless your advice is sought, or it is absolutely necessary, keep most of your thoughts to yourself. Do not take sides without listening to both sides of the story.

When preparing to leave, inform your hosts ahead of time so they can accommodate dropping you off at the airport or car park, into their plans.

As the host(ess), we are duty-bound to treat our guests kindly. Having snacks, some juice or cake handy can save us embarrassment when friends pop in unannounced. We should be patient and accommodating and try to involve our guests in our activities if they are staying for long. Time should be set aside daily to converse with them no matter how tight our schedule is.

And when they leave, we should see them to the door and try not to make our relief obvious!

So, who do you plan to visit this weekend?



Family: The bedrock of the society; that unit we can do anything for; a group of people we can let our hair down with. They know all our quirks but love us anyway. Love them or hate them, we are stuck with them.

I have always wondered why some families seem like a jalopy car, trudging along, with its occupants too scared to get out of the vehicle and take a peek under the hood/bonnet. Perhaps, in fear that stopping to remedy it will cause the car not to start again. Instead, all the members in the family remain on board, burying their heads and ignoring the obvious tensions within.

ties that bind
We are scared to sever the ties that bind, and for good reason. We are frightened to resolve family conflict for fear that it will escalate and rip the family apart. We would rather keep honouring the ties of kinship for as long as possible.

Other times, we are just plain ol’ cowards; content to sit back and not upset the apple cart. Tensions are often more common in large families particularly where autocracy is practised, or a matriarch makes all the family decisions whether anyone likes it or not. This way, other members of the family feel relegated and oppressed their views unheard.

Truth be told, no matter how pragmatic a leader is, there will always be voices of dissent. However, effort should be made to ensure that people’s views are heard and respected even if not followed. Regular family meetings should be scheduled for this to occur and no one should have his/her wishes imposed on others, as much as is possible.

As family, we should also not take each other for granted, despite how easy it is to do so. Instead, we should respect each others’ views and be kind in our dealings. And this should not be restricted to the adults alone, even the children should have their say and their suggestions considered.

As the Yoruba adage goes: Ile-Ife (a great historical Yoruba town) was built by both the youths and the elderly.

May Allah grant us wisdom in all our affairs and strengthen our ties of kinship.